How the Homophobes Changed My Mindset
When I was 12, it was 2008 and Prop 8 was causing a stir in California . I remember myself at 12, I was in 7th grade and heavily involved and influenced by the sermons delivered by the pastor of my church. He was looked at with the same revere as one would look at a celebrity, a role model. What he said was followed like a commandment by the sheep. Everyone was taking sides, the town was divided unlike I had witnessed before. The church was favoring the republican docket consisting of Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin and a yes vote in favor of Prop 8. Prop 8 was the bill proposed to repeal gay marriage equality in California. A no vote on 8 was a yes vote for Gay Marriage and a yes vote was cast with the intention to repeal gay marriage and reverse the progress that had been made over the past few years
The division started slowly or had it always been there? As time progressed peoples beliefs became known and more boisterously announced. The pastor continued to preach, and the town became more divided with each and every word, as Sundays passed the word of God became the entire dialogue. It was inescapable— the checkout line at the market was a platform for debate, the car ride home from school was full of angst, palms sweaty, head down, don't let them know your secret. When driving around my town I began to visibly see peoples views. There were signs in every yard staking claim and proof to peoples stance. The signs would read “Save marriage, think of the children, Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve”. This was not shocking to me living in one of the smaller conservative bubbles left in California, but it was rough and took a toll on me. I was still a closeted gay. I felt alone and was looking for support.
I turned to my mom asking what she believed and what she was going to vote for? I framed my questions asking about my best friend’s parents. My best friend Megan Hurley and her brother had been adopted by their moms. I asked my mom “ Don’t they deserve to be a family?” hiding my secret craving for support and validation. She told me that she wasn't voting to support gay marriage; that she had been taught and believed that marriage was between a man and a woman. With my shock and disbelief towards this I further questioned why she believed this. She simply responded by telling me to go ask my grandma what the bible says about it. I was crushed.
I had been coming closer and closer to just coming clean and telling her, I was now scared and worried that she would not accept me. As the election drew closer and closer things progressed, I saw more and more support for Yes! but, now I was seeing it in my middle school amongst the children. I had already been bullied all of middle school to this point. The other kids used to call me gay, queer, faggot, anything they could point out as different in me. I remember one day standing outside inline to go back to the locker rooms after P.E. and having kids taunt me for the small No! on 8 button on my chest. They asked why I supported this, saying that I was probably gay myself. They taunted me calling my gay and a faggot. Some even telling me that their dad says all the gays are going to rot in hell. This moment continued until the election was over. Children so easily believe what their families teach them, it was sad for me to see this hatred being taught. I was so hurt seeing a bill get the support it needed to extinguish hope for gay marriage.
Time passed and the election grew nearer my mom had not yet changed her mind. I was worried, I wanted to tell her the truth about myself , but I was scared for the repercussions. I had read so many horrifying stories of gay youth coming out and then being shunned by their family and becoming homeless. I had read blog posts online looking for advice and help on coming out, but nothing soothed me. The day of the vote came and my mom came home with a changed heart. When she came home from work she told me that she was going to vote for gay marriage. Someone at work had convinced her to change her mind, telling them about their gay brother. After this she told me this she asked me if I had anything to tell her, I shrugged and said no.
After seeing the proposition pass as yes! against gay marriage in California. I decided I needed to change, that those around me were right. My mom had come around and I was less scared to tell her now, but If the majority of people weren't okay with gay marriage, they weren't okay with me being gay. I craved approval more than anything, so much that I risked changing myself to fit the mold so I would be worthy of love.
I decided that I was wrong, that I needed to change. A voice within me knew that these attractions and desires needed to be extinguished. I prayed—I prayed with everything in me to be changed, to be fixed, to be helped. To be saved from this inclination within me. I decided that I wanted to go to the Jesus camp sponsored by my church to renew my relationship with Christ. I though that if I believed in the power of salvation enough I would be miraculously changed.
I went to the camp up in the mountains. When I got there I talked to the camp counselors and read passages given to me about homosexuality in the bible. I read and looked for another explanation or interpretation; but there was none. It was clear that this religion that I've been raised in since the age of two does not support this idea of homosexuality or me. So I prayed and prayed for a message to be delivered to me. I wanted a sign from God about what to do, why was he was putting me through this trial of faith? I prayed and listened but I never saw a message or sign, the only thing delivered to me was my best friend Tanner. We were inseparable at the camp, he was one of the other boys who had also been singled out as secretly gay amongst the group of kids in the church.
Tanner and I were alone one day in our cabin we talked, talking lead to touching, this lead to experimenting and exploring and studying each others bodies. After this moment I felt ashamed. We both explained to each other this wasn't gay, just curiosity. Who knows? After this experience I went to a private chapel in the forest to write my sin in this collected prayer book tracing back twenty years. As I was writing I started to cry asking god to change me, to have this part of me stripped away like worn varnish. When my ten days at camp was over I went home and recuperated.
After jesus summer camp was over I still had a month of summer left, I decided I wanted to go to visit my dad in Northern California. Whenever I go to my father’s house I spend a lot of time alone at the beach. Being placed around someone who doesn't know me and someone I didn’t know was very reflective. There were no expectations of what I needed to be or who I was pretending to be. It was there when I was alone watching 6 feet under that I realized that I was truly Gay and it was okay. When I was alone I watched a Gay couple being represented on HBO. It was a strong pivoting moment for me. Seeing a homosexual couple function and give me something to relate to, I realized nothing was wrong with me. So much mainstream media had told me otherwise that I was the minority confused having not yet found the right women. I
opened up and came out to the first person I felt would embrace me, my friend Megan Hurley.
When I came back home from my dad’s house I decided that it was time for me to come out to my mom. One day after school I waited for her to come pick me up to take me home. I was now thirteen and was just starting my last year in middle school. I got into the car and she immediately knew that something was on my mind. The whole car ride home she berated me with questions, relentlessly asking what was going on. I was scared and emotional I stayed quiet and said that I needed to wait until we got home. When we got home both of us sat down on the couch and I told her. I told her that I likes boys and I had always. My mom cried, she didn’t cry tears of disappointment or anger, but tears of sadness. She was proud of me finally telling her, but she still cried. She cried for me and how much harder it would be for me, having to question if someone didn’t like me because of my sexual orientation. She cried worried that I would get AIDs and die, she cried and morned for the grandchildren and daughter in law she would never have. She was accepting and supportive and was happy I trusted her enough to be honest. It was a moment of loss and growth. I felt lighter and free starting the first step in discovering who I was and growing into my person.